Unless you’ve been living under a rock (or actually care about way more important things), you’ve undoubtedly heard the heartbreaking news: Kim Kardashian is getting a divorce.  I know.  Hold back your tears.  Stay strong.  We’ll make it through this together.  But if you were expecting Christmas cards from the once Mrs. Humphries, well you can just forget it.

How could this magical love affair have ended so quickly? If Kim Kardashian can't stay married, who can?

It seems like only yesterday, America was celebrating the marriage of Kim to Kris Humphries (whoever that is??).  Wait.  It was yesterday.  Pretty close to it actually.  The “happy” couple clocked in a somewhat-impressive three month marriage, which by Hollywood standards translates to about 5 years of wedded bliss (my math may be off).

Kim may have bagged herself an NBA player (I just googled Kris Humphries.  You’re welcome), but clearly, sister Khloe has more luck with the athletes, as her marriage to Lamar Odom stays strong.  For now.

Anyway, this is Kim’s story, so let’s focus on her.  Is anyone shocked about the split?  I can’t say that I am.  Her engagement seemed to come out of the blue, with the marriage quickly following.  Tabloids and message boards were abuzz with Kardashian wedding fever!  America’s very own Royal Wedding!  Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton!

The wedding was recorded and televised for Kim’s show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians.  She sold her wedding pictures to the tabloids.  Clearly, the message here was love.  These two were in love.  Crazy, stupid, reality-show love (not to be confused with real love.  Two different animals altogether).

But riddle me this, Batman: Isn’t it a bit of a coinky-dink that the person to break the news of Kardashian’s divorce was none other than Ryan Seacrest?  The very same Ryan Seacrest who serves as executive producer of Keeping Up With the Kardashians?

I may be an outsider looking in, but I can’t help feeling this was all just a publicity stunt.  Kim’s mom, Kris Jenner, went on the Today Show to talk about the divorce.  Was that really necessary?  I think people would feel a little more sympathetic had the wedding been low-key, something private.  Instead, it was a circus, shoved down our throats at every turn possible.  Kim profited from this wedding, no matter how you slice it.  But, at the very least, let’s give her some credit: she is donating her wedding gifts.

Lesson of the day: when you decide to get married, invite your closest friends and family members.  Not the entire world.

It seems like only yesterday that I was looking at the Kardashians’ last Christmas card, and yet, here we are again. I’d like to say that this new tradition warms my heart, but if we’re being completely honest, it doesn’t. You know what does warm my heart? Snark.

Isn't the Kardashian Christmas card just filled with holiday spirit? All those smiling, jolly faces!

So, let’s get to it. This year’s Seacrest-free Christmas card features the Addams Family. Oops, maybe not, but they certainly look like it! No one is smiling. And although I cannot find a picture of the real Addams Family posing on a staircase, I feel like they could easily have struck such a pose – whether in the television, film, or Broadway incarnation!

It’s been a big year for the Kardashians, so you would figure that they’d be a little more jolly in the good tidings they bring. They just finished the fifth season of their reality show and are still spinning off new series for the sisters.

In July, Kim was honored with her very own wax figure at Madam Tussaud’s in New York City. She also dated Halle Berry’s ex, Gabriel Aubrey, although that relationship appears to have been short-lived.

She and her sisters, Kourtney and Khloé, released clothing and jewelry lines, a sunless tanner, and a book, Kardashian Konfidential (here we are with the K’s again!), that includes beauty tips and advice from their parents that helped them become the successes they are today. Kim and Khloé also guest starred on the season premiere of 90210. As we are all aware, today’s celeb climate demands exposure! Exposure! Exposure! The Kardashians are certainly making the most of their popularity while they can.

Perhaps the morose – I mean, sultry – poses on this year’s card were in preparation for the spoofing that they got on the Christmas episode of Saturday Night Live this year. Cast member Abby Elliott, as Khloé, expressed, “I’m thankful that four years ago, my sister made a sex tape with Brandy’s brother and now our whole family is famous!”

Could it be? Have the Kardashians realized that no matter how many clothing lines, talk show appearances, and reality shows they have in the works, they really are most famous for being famous?

Such is life in Hollywood. Here’s to a festive Kardashian Christmas card in 2011!

Ain't that cute! It's the whole Kardashian crew smiling for their Christmas cards photo. What an interesting bunch...and that's all I'm going to say.

I’m sending a Christmas card to Hollywood this year. I’m going to ask the big wigs out there to stop shoving reality television down my throat. Think they’ll take the time to read it?

Remember back in the good old days when the only Kardashian anyone had ever heard of was Robert, lawyer to O.J. Simpson? Times have changed. In 2007, a new family entered the reality TV sphere. Keeping Up with the Kardashians follows the lives of Kris, the matriarch, her second husband, Bruce Jenner, and kids Kourtney, Kim, Khloé, Rob, Kendall, and Kylie. I’m still not quite sure what these people are famous for. I did a little research and apparently, Kim is best known for her social life. Wow, what an accomplishment. She appears to be following in the footsteps of other “famous for being famous” stars like Paris Hilton, complete with unauthorized sex tape. Of course, that’s all it takes to get you a spot on Dancing with the Stars these days. At least Bruce Jenner was an Olympian… not that his plastic surgeon will be winning any medals in the Face Lift category. Yikes!

So, what is it that these people do??? Apparently, Kris Kardashian manages her daughters’ careers. The girls own a boutique called DASH and participate in various reality shows. I know it’s not their fault, but the fact that their names all begin with the letter K really bugs me. Hey, Kris – stop trying so hard!

Remember the show Eight is Enough? Well, not for this family. Khloé is married to L.A. Laker Lamar Odom, and Kourtney recently had a son, Mason. Don’t think the family is big enough? Well, check out their 2009 Christmas cards. There are the Jenners, and the Kardashians, and Lamar, and pregnant Kourtney. And amidst all of that stands Ryan Seacrest.

Although the edition of the heir to Dick Clark’s throne seems kind of odd, he is the executive producer of the family’s reality show, so it’s not completely out there after all. The family that plays together stays together? I don’t know. If I were Bruce, I’d give him back his trademark sign off and say “Seacrest – out!”

It took me a while to figure out that this Christmas card is actually a photo from Khloé and Lamar’s wedding day. At first I scrutinized the photo, mocking Kris and Kourtney for wearing almost the same dress, wondering why everyone was in purple. And then I realized that Khloé was wearing a wedding dress. Do you see what reality television does? It rots the mind to the point where even the obvious becomes puzzling!