Satirical celebrity Christmas cards featuring the infamous Olsen twins

In the tradition of satirical Christmas cards, this card depicts the two Olsen twins, Scary and Scarier. Their elfin features seem to have been chiseled from recycled materials and bleached with acid. The twins’ attire has them appearing anorexic in a stylishly bizarre outfit. From the platform shoes to the top of their color coordinated Christmas hats, this Christmas card portrays a picture of elegantly modern waifism.

A little background would see appropriate here. Mary-Kate and Ashley’s mother, “reluctantly” following a friend’s advice, took the four-month-old twins for an audition of the part of Michelle Tanner on Full House. Wonder of wonders, they were chosen to share the part. Was it because of their unique beauty? No. Was it because they were identical and could portray one person well? No. The actual reason was that when they were held they didn’t cry. From that auspicious beginning the twins were off and running to pursue a career of mediocre talent and immense riches.

Mary-Kate and Ashley’s parents apparently got over their reluctance to have their children’s lives disrupted by fame for they allowed them to continue pursuing the money wagon with sales of books and dolls reflecting their image. They were so popular and their products sold so well that they formed a company to expand the twins’ various products and projects. At six, these precocious children were producers of their own videos. Their future was a great big money tree, with a line of clothing, perfume, over 40 videos, and several movies.

Through all this, Mary-Kate (what is with the hyphenated name?!?) and Ashley were growing up as normal kids. They had an allowance of $10 a week until they turned 18. Puhleeze!! Like they didn’t get everything they wanted…didn’t they employ their parents in the company? Weren’t they the bosses? Mary-Kate said “we’re normal teenagers – except we travel more and we run a company.” NOT! Hey, but maybe that’s the message inside these Christmas cards.

2006 Thanksgiving invitation holiday cards from Usher and mom Jonnetta Patton

Let’s face it, you have a lot to be thankful for when you’re blessed with selling 35 million records; winning 5 Grammy Awards; making eight number-one selling singles; launching a fragrance line; owning your own record label; and having a family that supports your career. When Thanksgiving rolls around and Usher is deciding where to spend the day, his mom, Jonnetta Patton, knows best. And she should since she moved to Atlanta for the greater opportunities that the city could provide for the young Usher and managing his career. At age 13, Usher’s mom entered him on Star Search, where he was spotted by an A&R representative from LaFace Records, and the rest is history.

For the 2006 Turkey Day celebration, Jonnetta Patton ordered personalized thanksgiving holiday cards inviting her entire family to her home in Alpharetta, Georgia. The third name on the imprint is James, Usher’s half brother. The holiday cards design she chose is classic and graceful. It features beautiful script writing stamped in gold foil that says “Happy Thanksgiving.” The color scheme is soft and elegant with just the right amount of embossed detail. Ms. Patton also showed her eco-friendly side by choosing a card that is certified environmentally-friendly and was made using wind power.

In response to his fame and fortune, Usher gives back with his charity organization called New Look, whose mission is to provide young people with a new look on life through education and real world experiences. He also continually calls young people to serve, which began with Project Restart after Hurricane Katrina and has continued over the years with New Look and most recently with his appointment as Youth-Chair of the Service Nation Summit. Usher is also one of the most active celebrities in the 2008 Presidential elections, leading youth rallies and organizing voter registration. In January 2008 Barack Obama asked Usher to serve as National Co-Chair for his voter registration campaign and to perform at the opening inaugural celebration. Usher is a busy boy!

Front of 2007 Christmas Cards from Courteney Cox and David Arquette featuring their daugther, Coco

With all the celebrity that surrounds them, it seems like Courteney Cox and David Arquette are well grounded in reality. They both have their own public careers but go out of their way to make sure that Coco is the most important part of their lives. They showed this publically by featuring Coco’s picture on their 2007 Christmas cards. Their Christmas cards featured laughing picture of Coco on the outside with “Joy to the World” as the verbiage. She was again pictured on the inside of the card lying peacefully on their family pet, Ella, a Bernese Mountain Dog. The words “and a peaceful New Year” accompanied this picture. Each Christmas card was signed “love, David, Courteney and Coco.”

Given the state of Hollywood in general, it is a breath of fresh air to read that a couple puts their family above their careers. Coco is lucky to have parents that realize their parenting is an important job. Having a child was a bit arduous for Courteney. In her own words, she wishes that she had started earlier than she did. Many Americans tend to put off having children until they are settled or achieve the status for which they strive. The time they miss can put them in an awkward situation when they realize that time is passing and they want a family. Time does not always wait and sometimes they will be disappointed at the outcome. I know that they truly want another child and I hope that all goes well for them. They are good parents who are striving to have a normal family life.  Courteney experienced the failed marriage of her own parents. She considers making her marriage to David work both for them, Coco, and any other child they are blessed with a priority in her life. She saw her close friend, Jennifer Anniston, go through a divorce so she realizes the scars divorce can leave on a person.

Inside of the Christmas Cards sent by Courteney Cox and David Arquette featuring daughter Coco and pooch Ella

Courteney’s recent flick, Bedtime Stories, is perfect for her as she can view the film with her daughter.
Apparently, Coco enjoys bedtime stories so this film will fit in to their family life. It must be something to see Coco’s face when she sees her Mom on the reruns of her TV show Friends and her Dad when they air the shows that he appeared on. I have never seen it but I understand that David and Courteney also have a DYI show that airs in California.

I sincerely hope that this family will succeed and I look forward to seeing their 2009 Christmas cards.

Christmas cards from Brangelina and family several years down the road

A few years ago, Tom Umbarger gave us a glimpse into the Christmas of the Jolie-Pitts’ future. Hard to believe that just four years ago, there were only two Jolie-Pitt kids. In Umbarger’s imagined Christmas cards for the royal celebrity family, Maddox is still rocking the punk look he cultivated in preschool…and wearing a Team Aniston shirt to boot! (It’s bad enough we’re still talking about this in 2009. I certainly hope we’re not still choosing sides at the end of next decade!) Zahara, or Zee, as she’s known to tabloid blogs around the Internet, appears as a diva with her diamond “Z” pendant and matching earrings. What the artist imagines for mom and dad can only be described as a “Curious Case of Balding and Botox.” Brad is wearing a horrible Christmas ensemble and holding a prop from his role in True Romance (for those who aren’t familiar with the movie, he was not using that honey bear for his addiction to tea). Angelina appears to be wielding a scalpel, which, when presented with the marks under her eyes, can only suggest self-performed plastic surgery.

One can only guess what the Christmas cards Umbarger would create with an updated family snapshot. Would Pax, Shiloh, Vivienne and Knox fare any better than their brother and sister? Would Brad have discovered hair plugs? Would Angie have decided to age gracefully? Fortunately, this satirical look at the Brangelina brood is far from reality. Brad and Angelina were both nominated for Golden Globes this year, and continue their work as social activists around the globe. We can only hope that their kids will be as concerned about these issues as they are.